My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
