I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
