where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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