Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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