I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i wish my penis had a tongue
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
