the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
