I faked an abortion last night.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
