I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You left your phone here
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