He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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