when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
