My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
