Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
