if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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