ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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