I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
