Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
