I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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