I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
