yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
