don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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