I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
