I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
