So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
