I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
