he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
