just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
