I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize