i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
