I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Randomize
