the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
