god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
