I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
