Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
