I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
