I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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