I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
