apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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