It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
