Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
