Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
