Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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