I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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