I got chris browned last night
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
