how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
why do cheetos always look like penises
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
