so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
