Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
