I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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