I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
