I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize