i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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