I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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