ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
