My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
