he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My vagina just clenched in fear
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
