I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
