Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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