paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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