So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
