True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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