is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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