Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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