My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
